BUSU Candidates

Elections are underway! After the nomination period immediately before the break, several candidates for BUSU Council positions were announced. The candidates will spend the rest of this week campaigning, and voting will take place on Thursday, March 1st and Friday, March 2nd.

For the executive postions, we have a single candidate in each category: Emily Simon is running for Vice-President Internal, and Mohammed Agavi is running for Vice-President External. Both candidates are the incumbents in their respective positions, having been elected at the beginning of the 2017/2018 school year. Mohammed is running on a platform of increased involvement of clubs and collectives on campus and increased use of social media to promote BUSU activities and connect with students. Emily is running on a platform of student safety, with the goal of pushing the university for safer crosswalks and better lighting in the parking lots.

Whitney Hodgins is running for a third term as Accessibilies Director, with a platform of visibility. Whitney has spoken on a national level in support of what can be done for students with accessibility needs, and plans to continue with her advocacy in the 2018/2019 academic year.

Arts Director candidate Uzoma Duru is running on a platform of inclusion. Uzoma is an international student who feels at home here at BU, and vows to make the Arts Faculty as welcoming to others as he found it.

George Nkuo is running for the International Student Director on a platform of helping international students (both new and returning) access critical resources both on and off campus, such as keeping the BUSU office up-to-date on immigration policies and providing students with links to acquiring social insurance numbers. George plans to build on existing initiatives by past International Student directors and find solutions for failed initiatives.

Natashalee Thompson has reapplied to work as the Graduate Studies Director. Natashalee plans to continue the work she began this year in giving the graduate students of Brandon University as many opportunities as possible, no matter if they are professional, academic, or social.

Music Director candidate Katharine Charles has plans to give the School of Music a voice at BUSU meetings and try to unite the School of Music with the other faculties.

There is one Senator Student-At-Large candidate at this time. Manuel Colmenarez promises to use the opportunity he would be given in this position to improve himself personally and to attempt to make others feel welcome.

As at time of publication, there are no candidates for the following positions: President, Gender and Sexuality-Based Director, Women’s Director, Racialized Director, Science Director, Health Studies Director, Education Director, Residence Director, and Part-Time/Mature Students Director.

We wish all candidates the best of luck in their endeavours!

Weddings And Their Dresses

Unless you’re like King Henry VIII and decide one day, “I don’t like where this relationship is heading” and then promptly have your partner beheaded, marriage is viewed as a lifetime commitment. In the past this was an easy thing to achieve when the life expectancy was around forty years and your wife was probably going to die in childbirth. Divorce wasn’t really a thing so the whole “till death do us part” concept was pretty easy to achieve. So it’s a big deal- and people dress for it. (Also, disclaimer: the clothing discussed refers to western wedding expectation’s because that’s the culture the reporter is familiar with.)

Back in the 19th Century, good old Queen Victoria popularized the white gown for weddings.  She wore one during her marriage to Albert of Saxe-Coburg and the image was published and became a trend among scores of women, resulting in a shift from time when women would wear their best dress to the domination of white wedding dresses. It originally started off as a fashion thing, though soon with the whole really creepy obsession with women’s sexuality, the white dress transitioned into a symbol of virginity.

It’s still worn today often if one even Googles the word ‘wedding dress’ your eyes will be assaulted with various dresses consisting of whites and not quite whites. However there are those who do wear things other than the white gown. I watched an episode of ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ and a women had a dress tailored in black. Weddings are becoming more individual and fashion is following. Though the prices of the dresses match their importance- again if you watch ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ prices can easily hit the thousands of dollars.

As for the future of wedding fashion — who knows. Maybe the white dress will live on, or maybe different colours will regain popularity. Or wedding dresses for other genders will be introduced so everyone can flaunt their white dress on their wedding day.

Valentines Never Sent

It was during a tough time for the Empire. We were facing daily raids from Germanic tribes and forced to try and hold them back.

I had just come off of the battlefield near a small Germanic city in Eastern Gaul when they caught my eye. A beautiful, nay, a gorgeous creature stood still there amongst the dead bodies. They raised there head to the sky in a battle scream as they took a look around the battlefield, their body still raging with bloodlust. I have never had a more raging erection for a woman then that moment.

It was only later that day did I learn her name. “Bellatrix,” the female warrior. My gods, was she ever a powerful looking figure on that battlefield. I had learned her name from my fellow centurion,  who had said that Bellatrix was single. I knew I had to take her for my own, or better yet she could take me.

Never had I laid eyes upon a more magnificent human being. The only trouble was writing that first letter to get her attention. One wrong word and she could very well take off  both my heads.. if you know what I’m saying.

I started learning all that I could about this woman. Not in a weird stalkerish way but in the way a wolf hunts a deer. I tried to gain her scent, I would track her and I would study her as she went about her life.

She was a Roman slave, born of a Germanic chief and taught to fight from a young age. She was taken from her family and raised in the Roman way of life and given a good latin name. She was 16 at the time and married off to a young Senator. She became very well mannered in the streets of Rome and helped her husband rise to power. Only when his consulship came upon him, he died suddenly. It was rumoured Bellatrix had murdered him after he was caught having an ol’ fashion Roman orgy.

She had to flee from the capital but was highly regarded by her friends and took what appeared to be a small army with her to a city in Eastern Gaul. Here she was safe and her influence arose within the city and surrounding area. It was not until the battle that I had recently fought in did she lose everything.

Her old tribe had ransacked the city and slaughtered its citizens. Of those that had fled Rome with her, only she survived. She joined us on the battle field as we took revenge upon the barbarians. To her they were no longer kin, simply enemies that had  taken everything she had. They were animals that had to be put down.

I never did get to talk with her. I never did send her the letter I wrote. She was strong, brilliant and resourceful. She was everything I wanted. What held me back? The idea that I could not live without her. Being a legionnaire my duty was to Rome. My first and true love. How could I be faithful to the Eternal City if I let my desire’s of flesh persuade me.

I would die a hundred deaths on the battlefield if it meant keeping Bellatrix safe. The lover I never had, the woman who may never even have seen me, was the one I most captivated by. I knew she was a fighter but if I could make her fight easier then I gladly would.

She would live out a long life and was eventually remarried. She would pass peacefully  into the next world surrounded by her children. As for me I would never see her after the legion left Gaul. So I left with only the memory of her brilliant eyes and ferocity on the battle field.  A woman I had never truly gotten to know and a Valentines I never sent.

Learn from my mistakes. The world is wide and filled with beauty. Duty is important but so is happiness. It doesn’t have to even be valentines day. Tell your loved ones what they mean to you, don’t take them for granted, and finally go talk to that special person and tell them how you feel. Love is not love without risks. Love would not be nearly as important without the idea of failure or loss. You can not fully appreciate the sunshine without the rainy days.

Valentines Day With Your Kids

For those in a relationship, Valentine’s is a day to prove how much you love your significant other by spending a ridiculous amount of money on a nice supper out, jewelry, candy and flowers. For the bitter singles, it’s a day to get plastered and complain about how stupid Valentine’s Day is. It’s a day where grand romantic gestures are made and rejected. People either love it, hate it, or don’t really give a shit.

But what about those of you with kids (and no babysitter)? If you aren’t going to get your romantic evening alone with your loved one, or get drunk with other single friends, what can you do in Brandon with your kids? Unfortunately, there are not many events that cater to families, as there are not many Valentine’s events in Brandon at all, aside from restaurants holding special (and expensive) dinners. So, what can you do?

In terms of events, Brandon Pride is holding an all ages trivia night at Prairie Firehouse from 6:00pm—9:00pm on the 14th. According to the Facebook event it will be all ages, with board games and trivia, and booze for those over 18. It is a free event, and there are free nachos and pop! The trivia portion of the night begins at 7:00pm and teams are limited to six people. There will also be goodie bags for sale, and a door prize from Smitten (that may or may not be appropriate for children). Chili Chutney has a Valentine’s Day Dinner from 4:30-9 that they note is child friendly. Other restaurants in town are also an option but be sure to make a reservation. But what if your kid is a picky eater? What if you don’t want to drop a ton of money to take them for a supper they won’t eat anyway?

Some other options are making your own traditions. Take this as an opportunity to teach your kids about the birds and the bees. I mean, sex is everywhere on Valentine’s Day, so it’s a great day to explain it to your kids! In all seriousness, Valentine’s Day is a great family day. Spend it watching movies and ordering pizza. Let them show you the five million Valentine’s they got at school. If it isn’t as cold as Antarctica, go tobogganing or skating. Create home-made Valentine’s. Make Valentine’s Day a day that the whole family looks forward to, at least until the kids are old enough to start dating, or finally move out so you can bring the romance back into Valentine’s Day, or the drinking.

A hundred years ago, and before Hallmark created the Valentine’s Day we know, what would families have done with their kiddos on Valentine’s Day? Probably left them home alone to fend for themselves, while the parents went out. There was no way they could take all 15 children to the local pub. Actually, Mom probably got ditched at home too while dad blew his earnings on booze. How romantic.

Is Valentine’s Day always going to be a non-romantic day if you have kids and no babysitter? I mean, some parents may think that it is a good thing, but others just want a little romance or time with friends bashing the holiday. Good news! By 2040, every home will have robots to watch the children, for free! No babysitter? No worries! Rosie the robot maid will gladly (by gladly, I mean she has no choice, she’s a robot after all) watch the kids while you go out!

The Perfect Date

The sparks have gone out. You need a little ‘jump start’ thrown into your romantic life. You don’t want to be one of those people that continually drown themselves in substances till they no longer can control their bladder. You certainly don’t want to look after your spouse at that point, better off to just kill them and apply for the insurance.

No, what you need to do is go on an epic date. The perfect date to not only rekindle your spark but to light up the entire town. Warning if done correctly this example I’m about to share with you may very well burn down a small sized town. Use this ‘fire’ advice with caution, cause this shit is  going to be Lit.

The date starts with you picking your partner up by 6:00pm. You then take them out to the small restaurant you two always go to. Only problem is it’s packed, your partner gets upset, they haven’t gotten to spend time with you this week. You whisper “The prophecies are coming true, quick we have to move.” Grab their hand, run out to the vehicle, except where you parked the vehicle their is now a horse drawn carriage. Say “There’s no time to explain, get in.”

Immediately start yee-haa-ing and tell your partner how important they are to you. Drive till you get three blocks down, there is an obstacle in the road. Leave the carriage and lead your partner beyond the obstacle and into a small dark house. The lights are off, you two appear to be all alone. Suddenly you flick the lights on and there are all of the puppies your partner has been ogling over. They overwhelm with emotion fall to their knees and try to get puppy love, you tell them there is no time to save all of them, they have to pick one. Give a few minutes here but as quick as possible leave through the back door with your new puppy.

Now you enter a big backyard lit with candles and their are roses everywhere. You look to your other half and tell them this is no safe place for a small poochie, so you reach behind a bush and pull out a kennel. Here you place the kennel on the ground and tell them not to worry, the dog will show up at our house, encourage them to keep moving. You hop a fence, and eventually lead your partner into a park. There are candles in the distance and you two get there to discover them in the shape of a heart and in the middle, a picnic for two.

In the picnic is your partner’s favourite food, you tell them you have about half an hour before the next task comes. Sit down and enjoy your meal. Flirt with them, make a game out of it, give them the hand written letters you prepared for this. After the meal, you tell them you need get moving to the next location. You two are walking along together and in the background there seems to be the faintest hint of their favourite music playing. You move towards it. It leads you to your partners friends house where they are having a party. As soon as you two approach though its clear that this is no typical party, this is a drinking game type of party.

Together you and your partner must play each drinking game and win or lose you have to keep moving on. After you two get through the whole house you end up on the balcony over looking the neighbourhood. Fireworks go off and you two kiss in the moonlight. The fireworks will either stop on their own or when someone is injured. You stop passionately kissing and peer off into the distance with your loved one in your arms. It just so happens at this time their is a light shining in the distance sending coded messages. You tell your partner thats where we must go next. You guys get down from the balcony via ladder. Together you hold hands and walk down the street to this new shining light. You talk, you laugh, you make them feel important. As you get closer they realize it’s their dream house, the one with the cute door and nicely styled windows. You tell them you’ve opened up the conversation about buying it with your realtor. Except then you mention that you first started putting down payments on it six months ago.

They turn to you flabbergasted. You have put them through an emotional rollercoaster tonight and they are overwhelmed. You grab their hand and lead them into their new house. There, the house is fully furnished and the puppy they chose is waiting in its kennel. You let out the little doggo and allow your significant other to frolic with them. You grab a bottle of alcohol and a few glasses. Head into the living room, pour the drinks and play with the puppy. Also have your partner’s favourite movie or show prepared on the television. Spend the rest of the night accordingly. Fall asleep with them in your arms on the couch with your new fur baby.

It’s the little things that make a date perfect. Just putting in careful thought and planning will make all the difference in the world as to where your relationship will go. Nothing you do ever has to be this intricate or well planned but if you’re not putting in the effort to spend time with the person you love, who is? Love is never a competition but there should always be an effort made on both parts. Show your appreciation this Valentine’s Day and make 2018 your relationships year.

Spending the Night Alone - Professional Loner

If you’re anything like me you will realize your social life revolves around work or (because you like to change things up) school work. The result? You’re spending another night alone.

But weep not for now is the time to raise above your usual snivelling self in order to achieve legendary status. Spending the night alone in style and as if you have more confidence than a sunflower seed.

What you are going to need to manage is a fully functioning liver, an unhealthy coping mechanism and a less than ideal understanding of cooking.

You want to show people that you are successful and the best way to do that is by showing off your culinary skills, and drinking excessively. Follow along with me and after every step, take a shot.

Step one: Purchase  a turkey. (Shot)

Step two: Prepare the turkey with your favourite seasonings. Then stuff it. (2 shots) (whew I’m a light weight)

Step 3: Put turkey in oven (shot) (realy feling this)

Setp for: relax and have a few drinks (shot) (fuck this cannot end well)

Step five: trukey the forget, u r in de pen deep and dont knead no bird. (drink)

Sp 6; Waer is drunk? Turn off oven. (WHere)

step whatever: leaf trukey on florr. Find drink finihs. go to washromm. sLep by toilet.

QMAIL

Dear Quintilius,

How will you be spending Valentine’s Day? Is there a special someone in your life? Need me to hook you up?

Sincerely, Cupid

Dear Demon Archer,

Stay the fuck away from me little nephew! I do not need some  magical flying child in diapers going around shooting improperly shaped heart arrows at my behind! 

You should already know this answer! There was once someone I loved but that was long ago in  a confusing time of my life. Sure she took my breath away and I still remember her eyes to this day but that means nothing! The only thing I love and need in my life is Rome!

From her flows the lifeblood of the earth. She is not just my love but she is the very manifestation of love. Born of the seven hills and ruled by kings, senates and emperors, Rome has persevered through all. If you replace the word love with Rome you would basically be saying the same thing.

They have so much in common. Neither was built in a day. You can say “I ____ you” and both words fit. You can ask “what is _____” and the response “baby don’t hurt me” will be appropriate. That Whitney Houston song “I will always _____ you.” See Rome and love fit synonymously IX out of VIII times!

This V-Day? This Valentine’s Day I shall celebrate my love of Rome by sacrificing her enemies  in front of her gates. I shall deliver Rome’s citizens chocolates, flowers and the heads of barbarians!  Never will there be finer gifts or a more celebrated present.

I will be spending my time preparing and planning a grand feast to the gods and goddesses, my siblings and family! All shall know the glory of Rome and the love she delivers via gladii and pilum!

All Salute The Eternal City,

Quinitilius of Rome

Presents for That Special Someone

It’s that time of year again. The holiday that truly isn’t a real holiday. This is because, unlike other holidays such as Christmas and Labour Day or even Victoria Day for some, you don’t get the day off and you certainly don’t get any holiday pay. That’s right I’m referring to Valentines Day. Every February 14th you and your significant other celebrate the day of love. It just so happens that the “day of love” can get extremely expensive, especially relating to presents.

Most of us have been there, not knowing what to get our partner for a Valentine’s gift. The classic chocolates and flowers may work for a few years but after a while it gets old. Therefore, the questions pops into one’s head of what to get your significant other that will on one hand make them happy and on the other hand not break your bank account.

As mentioned before while the classic flowers and chocolates would no doubt put a smile on the average partners face, at best it will only work a couple of times. There are a variety of different gifts that people give their partner on Valentine’s Day. Starting off at the extreme end some people go all out for the day of love. I’ve heard of some men even buying their girl a car! Now, that’s quite a gift for any occasion much less on Valentine’s Day. Chances are the vehicle they bought isn’t some beat-up old rust bucket either, otherwise you wouldn’t have to worry about Valentine’s Day next year! Therefore, one could assume it, at the very least, cost over $10,000. In order to spend this kind of money on your partner, you must be really committed or just really rich. Since most university students can’t afford to spend tens of thousands of dollars on their significant other it might be worthwhile to explore other options for a Valentine’s gift.

Coming from the perspective of a guy, one gift you could give your girlfriend or wife on Valentine’s Day is something that never goes out of style: jewelry. Of course there are many types of jewelry from earrings to rings to necklaces its actually quite a task to narrow the options down. There are a variety of starting points in which you can use such as their favourite colour or favourite material or even their birth month. In my experience the more “glittery” or “shiny” the jewelry is, the higher the chances are for your girlfriend liking it. However, jewelry isn’t exactly your wallets best friend either. Although it isn’t going to cost you tens of thousands of dollars like a new vehicle would it can still hit the bank account pretty hard. Most jewelry hits around the $100 mark at least. You can, of course, purchase cheap jewelry for under $20 but like the rusted up old vehicle example you could also end up spending next years Valentine’s Day alone.

Rejoice! There are gift options that are both kind to your bank account and will not make you have to change your relationship status on Facebook. One simple yet romantic gift option is a trip to the movies. Some people love a trip to the movies after a long day of work, especially when they do not have to pay for admission or snacks. Of course you may have to sit through some garbage romantic film but, at the end, your partner will know how much you care about the relationship and you’ll know your bank statement will show more than just a fat zero. While it is true some movie theatres charge pretty high prices, especially for popcorn, those prices are far more reasonable then a brand new car or a gold necklace.

These ideas are not your only options when looking for a Valentine’s Day gift this year. Others include a nice meal out, a book your significant other would like or even some clothing. You should tread carefully when buying clothes for your girlfriend or wife though as it tends to be a much more complicated area, should you get the wrong size. Whatever gift you choose remember that its not for you but for your partner. The only thing that you should be concerned about is what they would like for their Valentine’s Day, and maybe the price tag on such an item.

Pop Culture - Love Between The Frames

Connecting with people can be difficult; really connecting with people you kind of, sort of, like can be REALLY difficult. Connecting with people over time-stopping orgasms, BDSM relationship comedies, and sexually ambiguous robots chasing star-crossed lovers across the galaxy, that’s easy. Just buy some comics.

Now you might be thinking, “I am not going to buy a new partner a comic book about sex, are you kidding me?” But I’m not and here’s why. Everyone has an opinion about the arts and opinions about arts can get very…passionate. Add sex into the mix and well, maybe you can get passionate about the arts together – see what I did there?

Sex Criminals is a book written by Matt Fraction and drawn by Chip Zdarsky that centers on Suzie, a young woman who stops time when she has an orgasm. When Suzie meets Jon and discovers she isn’t the only one with the ability to stop time, they naturally have a lot of sex. Oh, and they also rob banks.  If your partner loves cheeky humour, quirky characters and bank robberies, then you’re welcome.

What do you get someone who wants to drag you to Fifty Shades Freed, but has absolutely no idea what BDSM means? Sunstone is a charming character driven story created by Stjepan Sejic. The story follows primary characters Lisa and Ally as they navigate the complexities of a modern day same-sex relationship via fetishism, romance, and erotica. Cuddle up, grab some wine, and read this comic instead of shifting awkwardly in the theater.

Need a little more space in your sex life? A space-opera fantasy comic, Saga is written by Brain K. Vaughan and drawn by the supremely talented Fiona Staples. The series tells the story of new parents Marko and Alana, lovers from opposite sides of a brutal race war, and twisted regimes that want their family dead. Try mixing things up with robots, bounty hunters, trans ex-cons with magical powers, and Lying Cat (trust me, you’ll love Lying Cat).

So, there it is. Your Valentine’s Day shopping is over, and you’re almost guaranteed to have something to talk about with that special someone for the foreseeable future. The rest? Well, that’s up to you.

The Penis Jokes

The penis. God’s gift to women.  The one appendage of the male body that females find attractive. The only thing that can give orgasms, take virginity’s and has a magical hold on a woman’s attention. One flick of the wand or pic of the dick and women basically can not control themselves.

If for any reason, at any point, in that first little paragraph you found yourself agreeing maybe you need to rethink your life. Hi, I’m here to inform you of the dangers of thinking your dick is a gift from the creator. It’s not. It is small, unattractive, smelly and has minimal sway over orgasms. Orgasms are far more regularly stimulated through, oral or digital usage.

The largest sex organ? Nope, not your penis. The largest sex organ is the brain. You want to stimulate a woman? You have the options of exciting her through teasing, foreplay, or helping her live out her sexual fantasies. Making a woman feel wanted, helping her get to the edge then actually taking the time to finish her off are great ways to pleasure your partner. You will not likely get there through penile penetration alone.

Advice: Take your time, find the clitoris and be confident. After century’s of penis jokes, turns out the greatest penis joke of all was the idea you could pleasure your partner with your dick alone.

Meeting People

A long time ago, before the dawn of internet, the only way to meet people was to get your lazy butt out of your apartment to the outside world. But now with an entire generation growing up on social media and smartphones, the only way seems to be through dating websites and apps to meet with new people, as it’s easier. And it’s also partly because most of the time, we being only human, get nervous and sometimes even anxious when we meet someone or talk to someone face to face.

You’re lucky if you’re a first year student in your university, because I’m going to talk about a few things on how to meet people in a small city like Brandon. Especially when Valentine’s Day is getting closer, so you probably don’t want to stay in your room all night alone. There is still the possibility of getting out there and meeting someone special to spend a wonderful night with, and hopefully a wonderful life.

Although there can be a thousand ways to meet people, here are some of the ways that are more promising than the rest:

Weekends and Tavern United always go along well together. The bar/restaurant is always a good pick as it’s filled with people who want go out and have a few drinks. The “Tav” also has really delicious and delightful food. This is a regular hangout place for a lot of students from Brandon University and Assiniboine  Community College.

There’s also The Double Decker in downtown Brandon, another well-known spot for students to meet up and hangout. They serve a great variety of food, and it’s pretty wonderful. There is also karaoke available which is a good opportunity to start conversations with people about songs or by singing along with them!

Then there’s always the Harvest Hall Cafeteria in the university, great place to get to know people living on campus as they always end up chilling there after their long day of classes. Approaching them can be really easy, as a student who lives on campus, I know the environment and the students are really friendly and approachable.

Having said that, all you need to do now is approach people. Have confidence, this is the most important thing when it comes to leaving a good impression. People tend to make this really complicated and over-think about it, that’s what makes you anxious and nervous. But don’t let anxiety come in your way, clear your thoughts, keep it simple, and give your best! Who knows you might actually not end up spending your Valentine’s Day alone!

Love Yourself - Ms. Independent

Ah, Valentine’s Day. It’s cheesy, overpriced and overrated.  I find the idea of being showered with affection on one day of year (when cuddling is more practical to conserve heat rather than express affection), rather ridiculous. If that’s the case, whether single or attached, you might end up being miserable the rest of the year. So that’s why I propose the perfect way to spend this crappy holiday is loving yourself (and not in that way… We really don’t need to know what you’re doing in your down time).

Now is as good as time as any to do so. Especially as a woman living in the 21st century. Historically it’s been a woman’s job to tend to the husband (god forbid you be not straight), children (eww), or tending to the household as we didn’t have the mental capacity to attend to affairs in the public setting compared to men (Oh wait. People still think that?).

So, now that I have the right to study and work my ass off like the other 50% of the population, I might need a little love. And sometimes if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself (I know you just went there in your head.. don’t).

A great way to express love to yourself is ordering a pizza and drinking some wine when you need a pick-me-up. Or bubble baths, a meal out, a little gift, new tattoos, burning everything involving your ex’s. Or maybe you just veg in front of the t.v. or are glued to your phone to have some time to recharge. However you choose to spend your Valentine’s Day, just remember to spoil yourself a little. Or you can wait until the next day and score some cheap chocolate. The choice is yours!

How To Get A Son - Henry VIII

Everyone knows how important it is to have a strong son to continue your legacy. That is why I, Henry, eighth of my name, went through six wives.

My first wife, Catherine, was the love of my life. We were wed for twenty-four years, and I blessed her womb no less than six times. Only one of our children survived, a girl. I needed a boy, and Catherine was getting old, so I made a new church to divorce her.

My second wife Anne only had a daughter as well, and she had a cute handmaid, so I accused her of having an affair with her brother. Off with her head!

My third wife was my favourite because she gave birth to my only surviving son. Sadly, she died shortly after Edward was born.

Wives four through six don’t really count as wives, because they didn’t give me any children. Number five was pretty close to being my next favourite, because she was young and we had all kinds of sex. Sadly, she was actually having an affair, so I had to have her head removed, too.

How Love Has Changed

How each of us view love and relationships has changed a great deal since we were in middle school. A pointless relationship that only includes mainly awkward hugs, winks, smiles, conversations, and constant use of the term “I love you”. Urban dictionary sums it up perfectly: When a kid in middle school (usually ages 11-14) “likes” another kid and they agree to a week of hugging each other every day. It lasts longer if you’re over 13. If you’re 12 and under, it’s basically just spotting your “lover” in their group of friends and hugging them, then standing around awkwardly when alone, every day for a week, or a day or two. It’s completely fake!

Crushes are way better compared to middle school relationships. At least you have something to dream about. Then it seemed so simple and innocent. It was easier because it seemingly had no real-life consequences to a young person. It was a friendship we called dating or having of girlfriend/boyfriend. Middle school is when some decide to try the romance thing, and, as with most experiences, the early and innocent attempts rarely resemble the high school or adult attempts. Relationships sometimes only involve two clumsy conversations: the asking out and the breaking up.

As an older person, that can be more heartbreaking. When you are younger, it doesn’t matter as much, though that is not to say that some early relationships won’t work out. Sometimes they do. Growing up has sadly made the world a much scarier place and romantic relationships are much more complex. It seems almost pessimistic to say that, but it is the truth. The long term is thought about in adult relationships. Even when it becomes stressful, it’s the love that matters, whether it is innocent middle school dating or the grown-up relationships, it’s the emotion behind it that matters. Love is wanting the other to be happy and that hasn’t changed. 

Epic First Dates

Welcome to an experience like no other. In these next few paragraphs we are going to look at some fundamental romantic stories of history. Together we will study them and learn the lessons they have to teach.

Today we are going to be focusing on first dates and  the beginning a blossoming relationship. Before you the reader actually get out there to ask someone on a date you need to study the art of dating. First dates are not something to be trifled with.

Well, let’s see, where do we want to start in first dates? Oh, I know, how about in the Garden of Eden? That’s right, we are going to look at the creation of mankind and assess for ourselves just what Adam  and Eve did wrong and right.

First of all, Adam was not prepared for his first date. He had not even heard of this woman or what a woman was before meeting her. Tough go, people always have an idea of who the person is before meeting them! Second thing, Adam showed up naked, that’s right. Naked. Risky, but a bold move, definitely unable to hide if he was interested in her or not. The lesson here: play it safe, wear clothing. Third and final point I want to make here (we will end on a positive note) they got to name all the creatures of the world. What a great idea and wonderfully thoughtful first date. All in all we will score Adam and Eve at a 3/10 for you know the “Fall of Mankind.” Solid first date but come on guys seriously, there was a whole garden.

Next we are going to look at Paris and Helen of Troy. Well I guess the first piece of advice here is to never get involved with deity business. If someone, especially a goddess, asks you to judge their level of beauty, run. Do not compare them to anything especially if it is a competition and they want to be compared to each-other. It is a lose-lose situation. Sure you get the woman of your dreams but sometimes you bring about one of the greatest wars in Grecian history. Second, if you’re married, especially to a king, do not try to go on a first date with someone else. And if that first date brings you all the way across the Aegean Sea there should be at least one or two red flags or sirens going off. Like don’t get me wrong ladies, go forth and SLAY, but realize war always makes more widows than lovers. Finally lets take a moment to appreciate Paris and Helen. First date, you steal her from her own kingdom. Start a war across the entire Hellenic world. And you end up killing one of the greatest hero’s in history by shooting him in the heel?! Well if that ain’t commitment, I do not know what is. The advice here is stay committed and work it out  after you’ve made a decision, but also practice archery. The couple still only get a 3/10, largely for dragging Odysseus away from Penelope but also killing Brad Pitt.

The final couple we will look at is Romeo and Juliet. First of all, do not fall in love with long time rivals or feuding family’s unless it’s (you guessed it) Family Feud. Second, you met at her family’s feast. Then you trespassed onto her property. You saw her once. People the lesson here is do not fall in love with someone you have seen once. Do not profess your love or try to get them to kiss you. Also thirteen isn’t exactly the age when one knows what love is. Finally, do not pretend to die, do not murder yourself by kissing poisoned dead people lips and then do not stab yourself after previously faking your own death. It’s not that complicated or hard to do. Again 3/10, just slow things down. Literally be patient, wait like an extra thirty seconds and ask yourself “Will there be consequences for this?”

Dates

So you managed to find yourself a Valentine’s date. Lucky you, those of us who are stuck at home going over our lab report to make sure that we really did find all the parasites in that fecal smear congratulate you. Oh, but perhaps you don’t know what to do now that you’ve tricked someone into going out with you. Well, here is what I’d do, should I ever build the courage to ask that brunette beauty out on a date.

You have to start it out right, take her dancing. No, not the kind where you jump up and down like a spastic ape to a deafening cacophony of bad music. I’m talking abou taking her to a ritual and historical dance. One where there is an apple slice under her armpit and the male eats it afterwards to prove his love, just like they did in old-fashioned rural Austria.

After getting to know each other and multiple sweaty apples have been consumed you can get more intimate. Spend the night together in a bed, each tightly wrapped in separate blankets and divided by a bundling board. All under the supervision of your parents of course. Seems weird? No, not at all, “Bundling” was common practice in colonial America.

In the future you ask? How will dating and courtship change by 2075CE? Well, imagine far more pieces of German memoribilia and everyone dressed in the Schwarz-Rot-Gold. After that imagine everyone singing in harmony to the classical music of  Johann  or Ludwig. Wow, dates will be so much more romantic then.

Well, you’re not going to get any more of my good advice for free. If you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to my parasitical shit stain.

Asking For Blessings

Asking for a blessing is sometimes seen as a rudimentary and downright barbaric act by some people in western society. They see it as a demeaning and outdated practice. To many people as long as they say “Yes,” to the time old question, “Will you share my bed, so we can make babies?”, it is enough that their parents don’t have to be involved. I say nonsense! Who else will supply baby-sitters and Christmas gifts for little ones? Parents and potential “in-laws” must be involved with the baby making process! Let’s take a look at history and just how involved families have gotten with the making of miniatures.

In older times and foreign lands, sometimes families were very involved with this process of family extension. It started with the fathers of a household talking. Eventually deciding on value in the form of “Your son’s right to my daughter’s vagina is equivalent to ten head of cattle. Oh and I can use your land out by the sea, and you can name our first grandchild after your favourite horse.” The fathers would then see to the unification of their families. No blessings were really needed as no one got to decide besides the ones really involved with baby making, the old men!

Sometimes though the family was not all about a dowry and alliances between houses, sometimes it was just about getting more free labour. Back out on the farm (if you listen to how your baba  and gidi tell it) they worked  hard day and night for the farm. In the day they were plowing, seeding and fertilizing the land. And at night they were plowing, seeding and fertilizing again. Then poof, out came more children then they knew what to do with. So they used them as labour, married them off to distant farmers or got them to join the nunnery. Far too expensive any other way for one family. Blessings were not required here either as workers were needed in the fields and the more grand babies, the more labourers.

It’s only fairly recently that blessings have been based on much more than wealth or family status. To me, it’s very important to keep constant communication between potential family members. That way they know where two people are in a relationship and whether they need to invest in sound proofing the extra bedroom walls, so when you and your significant other visit you can have loud sex. Or whether they need to sound proof the extra bedroom walls so they don’t have to wake up every fifteen minutes when  grand baby is crying at night.

In all seriousness though it is truly a beautiful thing when two people fall in love. Maybe they are the type to ask for blessings from their spouses parents, maybe they’d prefer making sure that their relationship lasts for a long time. To me asking for blessing is much more than just asking permission. It allows for a safe and smooth transition unto the next adventure in a young couples lives.

Rocket Game Corner - Harry Potter Years 5-7

I own seven copies of Lego Harry Potter Years 5-7. It started out with me just buying a copy for my Nintendo DS, because I’m a giant nerd and portable games are great. That first copy turned out to be glitchy, so I bought a copy on sale for my Wii. I have yet to finish the Wii version, and after my Nerdboy moved in with me, we had one game between the two of us that had a duplicate. If you guessed that game was Lego HP 5-7, you get a virtual cookie.

After we moved in together, he also brought his consoles with him. He already owned Years 1-4 on his XBox 360. He bought 5-7 so that we could play it together for his YouTube channel. 

He bought me a copy of 5-7 for the PS3 as a joke. At some point between when we moved in together and when he bought the 360 copy, I’d picked up a sale copy for my 3DS. We were up to five copies of the same game on four different platforms in our house at this point. It was getting a little out of hand. Adding a sixth copy was kind of icing on the cake. 

I thought we were done after that. I owned a copy for every console that we owned and it existed for. That should’ve been enough, right? Well, wouldn’t you know that Warner Bros. and the company that they work with for the Lego games, Traveller’s Tales, decided to remaster the game for the current generation of systems. So, now I have a copy for the PS4. 

I’m kind of expecting to get a copy for the PlayStation Portable that Nerdboy acquired over the summer. Because at this point, I may as well lean into the joke.

QMail

Dear Quintilius,

Where was the Italian pavilion this past weekend? The English were present (you know, the previous owners of the largest empire in the world) but you Romans were no-where to be seen.

 Sincerely, Rome’s Fallen Off

#SizeDoesMatter

Dear Misguided,

The Romans are always present, at every event, and have a roll to play in every shape and form. The Latin/Roman pavilion is the Multicultural Festival itself. You talk about the English but where did they come from? Do you think they got to be the largest empire on their own or that they achieved superiority through their own political or military might? Who do you think brought order to the island initially?

The Roman influence can be seen in every major leader, in every major city, in every major battle in Britain. Their very language, religion, and weapons were brought to Britain from outside peoples. The Latins, the Germans, the Norse all influenced the England you come to know today.

The British were never truly an empire, merely a successful corporate business. Who really conquered India? The East India Company. Who really governed over 3.9 million km2 of North America? The Hudson Bay Company. Why did the Opium Wars occur? To force China to buy British opium. Why did the 13 States want to be free of British rule? Over taxed items such as tea. Britain has always put business ahead of country.

Here is a quote from a British and French Officer in battle. ‘British Officer: “You French fight for money, while we British fight for honour.” French Corsair: “Sir, a man fights for what he lacks the most.”’

All Salute The Eternal City,

Qunitilius of Rome

#WalletSizeDoesn’tLast

Pop Culture Of The Week- Slang

I’m ‘sups’ sorry for this one ya’ll. It’s gonna ‘b’ a bumpy ride all the way ‘thru’. In fact if you get epileptic seizures from flashing lights ‘u’ may want to sit this ‘1’ out cause it’s going to be Lit AF. For those who can handle it, prepare to get woke.

Slang is short language for short language. Sometimes short language is misspelling a word but so that it has all the proper letters to still sound right or it may be an acronym, initialism or abbreviation of some other type. It may even be just another word that people have accepted to have certain meaning.

Literally the English language is just made to communicate and what I mean by that is there is no absolute proper way to say or write certain words. As long as someone understands what you’re saying and you use the English guidelines for letters and sounds you’re technically speaking English. 

In some languages they have firm rules on what is what. The French have “Academie francaise” which is a council of forty people (Les Immortels) who deal with all matters of the French language. The German’s have the “Council For German Orthography.” In fact most languages in the world are endorsed by their countries and everyone is taught the official standard language.

Not English. Nope, nope, nope. That is why we are able to have all these fancy words that didn’t used to be words becoming slang. Here are two acronyms you may use but take for granted: Zip code (Zone Improvement Plan), and Radar (radio detection and ranging). Here is some slang to describe relationships: OTP (one true pairing), Ship (to describe people you think should be in a relationship), Bae (before anyone else).

This bastardization of the English language through text has been claimed by many to be ruining the English language. But really it isn’t. The English language was first thought to be ruined when William Duke of Normandy conquered Britain. It wasn’t. English was then going to be destroyed by the printing press. It wasn’t.

Texting and young people communicating are just innovative ways that the language is adapting and changing with the times. Adaption and change are not bad ideas. Would you say music is bad now a-days because its not played over a radio or that not every song has Gregorian chanting?

I’ve kept it as real as possible my G. Hundo P gave it all I got to be informative and not just goofy. If you liked this article give me a LB or RT but if you’s a stan, then you can str8 up F yoself. Peace LOL (lots of love).