Dear Quintilius,

How will you be spending Valentine’s Day? Is there a special someone in your life? Need me to hook you up?

Sincerely, Cupid

Dear Demon Archer,

Stay the fuck away from me little nephew! I do not need some magical flying child in diapers going around shooting improperly shaped heart arrows at my behind!

You should already know this answer! There was once someone I loved but that was long ago in a confusing time of my life. Sure she took my breath away and I still remember her eyes to this day but that means nothing! The only thing I love and need in my life is Rome!

From her flows the lifeblood of the earth. She is not just my love but she is the very manifestation of love. Born of the seven hills and ruled by kings, senates and emperors, Rome has persevered through all. If you replace the word love with Rome you would basically be saying the same thing.

They have so much in common. Neither was built in a day. You can say “I ____ you” and both words fit. You can ask “what is _____” and the response “baby don’t hurt me” will be appropriate. That Whitney Houston song “I will always _____ you.” See Rome and love fit synonymously IX out of VIII times!

This V-Day? This Valentine’s Day I shall celebrate my love of Rome by sacrificing her enemies in front of her gates. I shall deliver Rome’s citizens chocolates, flowers and the heads of barbarians! Never will there be finer gifts or a more celebrated present.

I will be spending my time preparing and planning a grand feast to the gods and goddesses, my siblings and family! All shall know the glory of Rome and the love she delivers via gladii and pilum!

All Salute The Eternal City,

Quinitilius of Rome