Dear Quintilius,

I have this super stressful week ahead of me with 4 midterms and a paper due. How do I deal with all this stress?

Sincerely,

Stressed Beyond Belief

Dear Midterm Failure,

You appear to be experiencing something called, “too-sober,” or “being a bad sailor.” It’s a rare disease, but luckily enough for your offspring it’s not genetic. “Too-sober” haunts 1 of 3 students attending university. These are the students who are not familiar with the expression “three sheets to the wind” or “under full sail.” Both of which are references to sailing and coincidentally getting shit-faced.

You see, young grasshopper, alcohol is this magical portal that takes one from reality into a totally different world, one that is carefree and free of consequence. No need to worry about “midterms” or “papers” when one is out sailing under the influence. Just continue to drink and sail from one’s responsibilities and problems by moving towards the state of inner piece, more commonly known as black out.

Laddy/Lassie, however I refer to you while using a Scottish accent, let me tell you a story: I was once stressed, and do you know how I dealt with it? I sailed the Mighty Mediterranean hunting pirates with Commander Pompey. Can you guess the result? We destroyed every pirate base and vessel across “Mare Nostrum” in 89 days. And you want to know what else? I was completely smashed the entire time.

So I guess my point here is two things: You can do damn near anything using the power of alcohol. And never bet that Pompey will win a civil war. It wont turn out well for you, you’re going to fail.

All Salute The Eternal City,

Qunitilius of Rome