Dear Glow Cloud,

With the new year, I’ve made a resolution to be a better student and treat my body better – you know, less chips and more vegetables. Do you have any tips?

#NewYearNewBen

Dear Hashtag,

Have you tried being incorporeal? That really helps when you’re trying to have the scale show a low number. In fact, it will show “0”, since you have no body. You also won’t need to change your eating habits, because you won’t need to eat. It’s win-win.

As to being a better student, incorporeal-hood helps there too. Because you have no body, you can eavesdrop with ease, cheat on tests without anyone being the wiser, or just not show up, because you’re omniscient anyway. If you can’t manage to become incorporeal, read the Study Tips featured in The Quill each week. You could also enroll in Fundamentals of Inquiry to learn time management and study skills. Good luck.

All Hail,

Almighty Glow Cloud

Republished from The Quill print edition, Volume 107, Issue 16, January 4, 2017.