Oddly Specific Horoscopes By Jayvis (Ivy) Eisener

Ares: Wow, congratulations on keeping such a cool head so far. I know it’s because you

haven’t even considered getting ready for exams, but I am sure it will all work out. If

there’s anything you need most right now it will be to take a good long walk. With the

winter coming to an end, being able to survive the last few weeks of school are going to

depend on you getting any amount of sun. No, the drive to university you take does not

count. At least use a sun lamp from the Library.

Taurus: Bestie, he is not the right one for you. I know it feels like the world is telling you

to make big and radical choices. I promise that those vibes are for the Libras, not you.

Just hold off until exams are done, and I promise he’ll look a lot uglier than he does at

this moment.

Gemini: You have to check your email! Please! You’re always so surprised when you

miss all that cool stuff going on for campus, and it’s because you never read the

headlines. Also, that big thing that’s worrying you is actually really serious - you’re so

brave for trying to deal with it.

Cancer: Take some deep breaths, stop looking at social media and call someone you

care about. No, arguing with some stranger online is not more worthwhile than chatting

with a relative or friend who loves and misses you.

Leo: You actually really do need to get a lot louder. The world really can take it, and

needs to hear more from you. Tell campus, your friends, strangers, tell everyone what

you’re thinking about, because I promise it is way more interesting than what is going on

in their own world. There is no way that you could just be a little self-centred or

narcissistic - you just have the best ideas and need to put them out there.

Virgo: You keep spending twenty minutes trying to figure out what to eat, when I know

you bought that extra-large pack of snacks. Be it muffins, bagels, or something else easy

and fast, I know they’re sitting around not getting eaten as you complain to me about not

having anything to eat. Just eat the snacks you bought before they go bad!

Libra: You have been in a situationship with them for 16 months, just start dating! The

next time that you yap to me about how cool and hot and thoughtful they are for thinking

of you when you were down, what I need you to do is to get serious about it. They’re not

just playing around, I promise it is for real.

Scorpio: I know that you made a New Year’s resolution and haven’t actually even started.

It’s okay, astrology is here to say that it’s an awful time to try to do anything. You weren’t

born three months before New Years because your parents spent all their time outside

doing the things that they always dreamed. Now that the snow is melting you can start

and have much more success.

Sagittarius: Go to class. You showed up when it was –40, and now that it’s thawing you

aren’t here?? This is the time when they’re preparing for exams, go!

Capricorn: Keep doing exactly what you are doing. I know I can’t stop you anyway but,

yea, if you keep it up, you’re going to do great.

Pisces: You really can drop that class if you aren’t sure. Talk to Student Services and

make sure you won’t have to retake it, but if you really hate it there’s no reason why you

can’t change your plans to better accommodate what you actually love doing.