Recently, we’ve reached a stage in society where sex and sexuality are becoming more accepted, and young people tend to hold more open views than they did for much of history. However, most people still aren’t aware of many myths and misconceptions about sex and anatomy, myths that can make sexual experiences unpleasant or even dangerous. One of these misconceptions is that first time sexual intercourse has to be painful for those with a vagina, and that there is a physical difference in relation to their virginity that creates this pain. There are two things people point to when speaking about this supposed difference, the hymen and vaginal tightness. While commonly accepted by the general public and occasionally by medical professionals, both of these ideas stem from an incorrect understanding of female genital anatomy.
Many people believe the hymen to be a solid piece of tissue covering the entrance to the vagina that must be broken in order to have penetrative sex, while others believe it’s a rigid ring of tissue around the opening that rips from penetration or exercise. Both of these ideas are largely incorrect. They have not only caused problems by promoting the idea that bleeding and pain are necessary for first time sex, but also by promoting the idea that there is a definite way to verify a woman’s virginity, enforcing an “intact” hymen (often meaning simply unscarred or in more extreme cases being large/covering most of the opening) to be a sign of virginity. This has led to so-called “virginity tests”, or hymen examinations being used in some places. A healthy hymen always has an opening to allow for discharge and period blood to escape, and once a child goes through puberty, hormones make it more stretchy so it can stretch and retract easily with the rest of the vagina and can sometimes change its appearance, making it smaller or cover less area to make sex easier. Exercise isn’t reliably linked to any impact to the appearance, health, or size of the hymen. Unless you injure yourself, your hymen will be unchanged by sex. Healthy sex doesn’t permanently impact the hymen unless you injure yourself and even when an injury does occur, it heals well, often without leaving a scar or any indication damage was taken. Even those who have experienced penetrative abuse before puberty when their hymen was more rigid and sustained injuries from it, rarely show permanent abnormalities or things that may be deemed as a sign of not being a virgin based on these test standards. They heal and mostly show no notable difference in size or appearance from a person who has never been penetrated. With each individual developing differently, it’s also entirely possible for someone who has never been penetrated to have an appearance that would be sought out on these tests, which may lead to them being falsely labelled as lying. This is part of why those who have or have not been penetrated can often look the same, as not only does penetration not often cause changes, but because the hymen itself can look frayed or “torn” simply by the way it developed and opened when the child was in the womb, or the way hormones impacted it during puberty. For the vast majority of women, sex or no sex, their hymen will look and behave the same. It will stretch naturally during sex and retract to its normal shape and size in a short amount of time afterwards. No breaking, ripping, bleeding, or pain is required. Physically speaking, the first time is the same as any other time.
There are some exceptions to this rule, one being about those with an abnormal hymen type. Hymens come in many shapes and sizes, the vast majority of people having a ring, crescent, or shapes that will cause no problem during sex. Some rare individuals are born with types that may cause issues with sex or menstruation, and depending on the severity, these types sometimes require minor surgery to correct either sometime in puberty to allow menstruation or before sexual intercourse. There are also conditions that can make your hymen too thick and rigid to properly stretch, and these will likely need to be addressed or sex will be continually painful and injuring. If you’ve had trouble inserting things, before having sex it may be advisable to check if your hymen is a normal shape. If it is, then the difficulty may be related to your method or something more mental.
For the most part, pain during sex is caused by muscle tension, a lack of lubrication, roughness, rushing things, and/or not being aroused enough for penetration yet. Bleeding is most commonly caused by friction caused by too little lubrication. Remember to take it slow, have plenty of foreplay and lubricant. Rather than immediate full penetration, a slow and gentle approach is necessary most of the time when it comes to penetration of all kinds, at least until you’re familiar with your limits and can adjust based on your personal preference and your body's responses. It’s also useful to slowly insert fingers inside during foreplay so the stretch isn’t sudden, making it a more gradual increase, as an immediate stretch can burn sometimes. The most important parts of healthy consensual sex are communication, comfort, safety, and pleasure. You can stop at any time during sex - and your partner should care about your comfort first and foremost, rather than expecting you to simply endure pain.
Sources:
Christianson M, Eriksson C. Myths and misconceptions: Midwives’ perception of the vaginal opening or hymen and virginity. British Journal of Midwifery. 2013.
Olson RM, García-Moreno C. Virginity testing: a systematic review. Reprod Health. 2017.