So you’ve made it to the end times have you? Survived that nasty little boom-boom and now you’re looking for your next big thing right? Gotta get that next thrill. Well do I have a proposition for you; something that will prove useful and allow you to not die! Sounds good right? Well you can find your thrills as a post-apocalyptic chef.

“But Mr. Llama I’ve never cooked anything before, I’m just a good for nothing uni student,” is what you might say, but fret not I’ve got you covered. For this first cooking tip all you need is toaster and a slice of bread. Now throw the toaster away and eat the bread. Congratulations thats your first ‘go to’ meal.

Now if you can’t find bread growing naturally in the grocery store, for what ever reason, it’s easy enough to make on your own. First you wanna find yeast, water, sugar, salt, oil and flour.

Now yeast is commonly found between the legs of yo momma so that’s where I’d start. Or where I’d finish depending on her mood. Water can be found in the tears of fish and only fish, any other tears aren’t real water. For sugar you can just use anything that has sugar in it. Fruit, chocolate, cane, etc. whatever works for you. Salt’s easy, just check your ex’s attitude. Oil is located in your car, this is important to check regularly so don’t fucking miss this, your vehicle needs that to vroom-vroom. Flour should be of the all-purpose variety but if you just have single-purpose variety that should be ok too.

Alright, now mix everything together in a bowl and beat the dough. Seriously give it the pounding of it’s life. Insult it, break it physically and emotionally. After you’ve crushed it’s spirit when it needed you because you’ve kneaded it, you can throw it over a fire for 30-35 minutes or until it’s a light golden brown. Just make sure you have quick reflexes to catch it or tongs to pick it out of the fire if it falls. And voila you have food.

Liked this roller coaster of a story? Stay tuned for next week when I will be walking you through the secret to making seven layer cake. The secret? It’s only one layer.

Republished from The Swill print edition, Volume 107, Issue 27, March 28, 2017.