Dear Glow Cloud,

Is Winter truly over? I see grass in my yard, but I don’t know if it’s Spring or if it’s just a trap.

Help!

Sick of Winter

Dear Sick,

IT’S A TRAP.

If you’ve lived in Manitoba for any period of time, you’d know that. I don’t even need to rely on my omniscience to know that. This weather is a deceptive, cruel bitch who wants nothing more than to lull you into a false sense of security and then point and laugh as it dumps three feet of snow on you.

Don’t put away your snow gear yet. Maybe make a few extra scarves, and definitely learn to craft your own torches. Become adept at making fires with only kindling and a piece of flint. Secure your winter storm bunker with bottled water and canned goods.

It’s unlikely, but this so-called ‘science’ claims that global warming is upon us and the Spring may actually arrive in February. I advise against listening to it. What has ‘science’ ever given us to make our lives better, other than electricity, indoor plumbing, and the internet?

All Hail,

The Almighty Glow Cloud

Republished from The Quill print edition, Volume 107, Issue 24, March 7th, 2017.