Dear Glow Cloud,

It’s only January, and the next season of Orange is the New Black doesn’t come out until June. I’ve already waited six months and don’t want to wait any longer. Do you know how to speed up time?

Sincerely,

Netflix Addict

Dear Addict,

While I’m not an expert in time travel like certain former advice columnists, I do know a thing or two about biding my time. I find it helpful to be omniscient and immortal. If you are neither of those things, I recommend filling your time with fun hobbies like knitting, reading, writing in mysterious notebooks (only to have your enemies die with absolutely no correlation), or electoral fraud. Try binge watching a different show – Forensic Files just added seven seasons, which will educate you in the ways of getting away with murder. If you get truly desperate, there’s always homework.

As far as Orange is the New Black, I don’t know about you, but I’m kind of sick of talking about the POTUS. There’s too much racism, nonsensical violence, and closed minded bigotry involved with both the show and the current news. In my books, Black is Eternal is a much better show.

All Hail,

Almighty Glow Cloud

Republished from The Quill print edition, Volume 107, Issue 20, January 31, 2017.