We all have that friend who is perpetually single, now is the perfect time to find them a mate. When considering potential future lovers for your nearest and dearest you needn’t take their feelings into consideration. In fact, consider them only for their genetics, throw feelings completely out the window. After all they are single, and clearly incapable of finding someone on their own.

Here are 5 steps to guarantee your friends’ future happiness. #4 Will Surprise You! (No it won’t).

Step 1: Setting the stage for that “accidental” meeting. First impressions are everything, or nothing, depending on your point of view. I prefer something vaguely suggestive, perhaps a Roman orgy.

Step 2: The Meeting. During the meeting, you need to play it casual, bring both parties into the conversation and then as they begin to connect slowly withdraw. I can guarantee that it will be hours before they stop staring into one another’s eyes and realize that they have been left alone in a corner of the room. Be sure to keep their wine glasses full. Alcohol is an excellent social lubricant and essential to their falling in love. Everything sounds better when your drunk, and it can’t possibly be awkward if both parties are naked.

Step 3: Making them think it was their idea. The last thing you want is for them to realize that you orchestrated the entire love affair. I hear there is a technology to implant ideas like this into their dreams.

Step 4: Wedding planning 101. It would be stupid to start planning the wedding before their meeting and inevitable romance, however, do it anyways for… reasons. You need to be the one looking towards their future, and when they announce their engagement you can surprise them by having everything pre-planned. In fact, I recommend anticipating that date, pay all the deposits and have everything arranged. They will love you forever and realize just how much you love them. ^{^{I’m so lonely.}}

Step 5: The Reveal/Cover Up/Affair. Depending on the friends you have matched up you may want to reveal your part in their love story, then again, this may also result in the termination of your friendship. Judge accordingly and have alcohol and a go-bag ready.

When your plan inevitably fails, because it will. Just remember, if it doesn’t’ work out there are plenty of fish in the sea, and if they didn’t have you someone else would do. Any stranger off the street looking for love will do as a temporary, or permanent, lover.

Something about ships fucking in the night.

Republished from The Quill print edition, Volume 107, Issue 22, February 14th, 2017.