Dear Glow Cloud,

Will you be my Valentine?

Sincerely,

Lustful in the Library

Dear Lustful,
The very fact that you think I have the time or inclination to spend my resources on something as meaningless and shallow as an imaginary holiday is insulting. The concept of spending money, which could be better put to use in, say, the University infrastructure to support student services or necessities in the women’s washrooms, which this damn editor is so passionate about, people purchase botanical gifts that die within the week - economic waste at its finest.

On the other hand, with a population of roughly 400 undergraduate students, I’m flattered that you have selected me to be the object of your affections. I am the obvious choice, due to my clear dominance of the university’s social hierarchy. With Quentin’s demise, I am the ultimate being on campus.

I am not inclined toward romantic relationships (it would never work; I’m vastly more advanced than the average mortal), but I am always in need of reliable, devoted minions in my quest for world domination.

All Hail,

Almighty Glow Cloud

Republished from The Quill print edition, Volume 107, Issue 22, February 14th, 2017.