Dear Glow Cloud,

I had some friends come over and now they wont leave. How do you get rid of unwanted visitors?

Sincerely,

Give Me My Space

Dear Space,

First off, I have to wonder what possessed you to invite people over. Friends or not, your space is your space and you shouldn’t be letting other people into it. Now that you have invited people into your space, I can understand your need to get rid of them. People are generally despicable, and should obviously be avoided at all costs.

The first tactic you should employ is telling them that you’ve run out of food and that if they don’t leave they’ll clearly starve. This will work if they’re delusional or have been living under a rock for the last couple of decades. If they discover that food can be delivered then this plan won’t work. Move on to the next step.

Next, you have to go drastic. Tell them that you hate them and that therefore they must leave as soon as possible. Or that you have suddenly contracted a very contagious disease and don’t want to infect them. Hopefully one of these tactics will work. If not, sneak out the window and move.

All Hail,

Almighty Glow Cloud

Republished from The Quill print edition, Volume 107, Issue 21, February 7th, 2017.