Dear Quintilius,

I’m totally trying to smash with this fly bird. But she keeps ignoring me and spurning my advances. How do I catch her attention so that she can’t ignore me?

Sincerely,

Horny With Blue Balls

#GetTheGirl

Dear Caveman,

I would like to start this advice column with giving a shout out to all the lovely women out there who have had to deal with assholes like you. You women are the real MVP’s. Thanks for not just wiping the male species out millennia ago.

You dolt. If I didn’t have Urban Dictionary to decipher what you were trying to say I would have thought you were on acid. I don’t know what to give you advice about to try and help you here. Let’s start with your wording.

You are not trying to smash with a bird. You are interested in a sexual relationship with a woman. How do you catch her attention? Oooh I don’t know maybe try something crazy like being her friend, being respectful, flirting with her subtly, being there for her, listening to her, making her laugh, setting yourself on fire, et cetera.

The list goes on and on with all the things you can do to treat this woman like she is a special individual. In fact treating her like a person and not a piece of ass is probably a strong step in the right direction for you.

In Ancient Rome we procreated to fill the ranks of the Empire’s Legions. Sexual intercourse was done out of duty to the Empire. Times have changed though. Women can’t simply be bought or sold or convinced to not ignore you. If you want to draw her attention get into a train wreck. I hear people can’t look away from those.

All Salute The Eternal City,

Qunitilius of Rome

#GetYoselfTogether